Feeling Left Behind

 As I've gotten older, I've watched so many of my past and current friends hit milestones in life. With it either being getting married, having kids, moving to their ideal city or state, or even just moving on the path that they've always wanted. I have the discomfort of not feeling as accomplished. I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I'm single, currently unemployed, back living with my parents in order to get ahead financially. A lot has gone wrong in my life. I certainly wish I was where most of my friends are. I'm sick of being alone, I'm sick of facing setback after setback. And especially after 2020, it's incredibly difficult to stay invested in own life and wellbeing. 

I know I'm not alone in that feeling, so many like me feel the same way, and certainly, feel the effects as I do, and I find that kind of beautiful. When compared to those around us, we see ourselves as outsiders, as 'losers' as failures, and as someone who may never have what our friends and family have, however when you look at it from a broader perspective you see you are not alone. These feelings of inadequacy only exist because we are comparing them to those whose lives we are constant witness to. In truth, we are alike so many others who also feel what we do. 

Instead of comparing your life to the success of those around you instead stop trying to compare lives as if success makes any person's life more valuable. Start living it as your path, your life.  The life your friends are living has its own troubles and perils that you never were witness to. Just as you have struggled with things in your life, they have also, and just because their success was founded sooner does not mean you are a lost cause. 

These past few days have been difficult for me, I've witnessed a few major events in people's lives and it sent me on a self-reflective downward spiral, but I came to realize the truth. Although I will more than likely still have these thoughts of inadequacy, I will tell these seldom thoughts the truth behind their lies. The truth that my life and my accomplishments do not to be up to speed with those around me, for me to be on the right path.

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How My Passions Can Help Me Understand More

     I think the one thing in common that all my interests have, is the art of creating things. For example, I love playing my electric and bass guitars. I also love practicing the keyboard I bought. I also love drawing and have a lot of unshared artwork. There's also this blog and the various writings I do, either personal or online works. I also managed to buy an expensive camera for taking nature shots and things I happen to think would look good at a certain angle on the camera. I've got so many side hobbies involving art and creating things.

    I just wish that I had a few less and spent more time on only a couple of ones then I think I'd be a lot further in skill in any of them. Could I be shredding on the guitar by now? Or could I be playing beautiful songs on my keyboard? Or taking real professional pictures? Maybe an artist with a growing online status? So many possibilities flow through my head when I think about it, but also I wonder something I else...

    Maybe all these different things are helping me learn each other? Like what if the lessons I learn from one hobby can carry over to others to make them easier to learn or conceptualize? It's a concept that has helped within my instrument world. I started on electric guitar and from that, I went to the bass. Bass was easier from the electric guitar because I had already familiarized myself with a very similar instrument, but there were still different parts to learn because it still was a different kind of music device. So when I switched to the keyboard I already had some basic knowledge down, about notes, chords, rhythm, and so forth.

    If I could then take the things I learned from my instruments and the subject of making music, as a whole, and apply them to writing, or photography. Things are alike in so more many ways than you think if you sit down and compare them. There might be vast differences up from to different passions, but they all hit a center nerve inside of us. A desire to create something previously unknown to anyone else. A very important feeling of control in my life. Nothing we make will truly last forever, it's just nice to make something that lasts beyond your own time.

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Three Years Ago

Three years ago I was trapped in an endless phase of self-hate and mental collapse. I hated every aspect of life and being alive, I withdrew myself in my room for 95% of my days and did nothing but listen to music and contemplate suicide. It's still a surprise I made it out alive. It was such a dark period of my life. 

Whenever I glance back at that period of my life, it makes my both pity my past self and it makes me thankful. I was only 17 and trapped within my own house. I lost all ability to try for anything. School became pointless and just another place to feel unwanted. I had pushed away so many of my friends for complicated and baseless reasons. I truly felt alone, and all of it was undeserved. I did nothing but want to be happy, to have friends, to feel wanted and make my family proud, but my mental health just wouldn't allow it. I didn't know even where to begin in helping myself. I felt afraid until I ended up becoming numb to it, it stopped hurting and became just numb. 

Remembering this about my past makes me feel so thankful. I faced hell for months upon months and came out on the other side. I wasn't string the entire time, there was a time when I was all ready to die but couldn't go through with it. Either by a voice in my head begging to survive, or through sheer gutlessness, either way, because of it I survived, and for that I am thankful. 

There were definitely points where I was as low as I was, but for a much shorter time. I've learned from my past pain and I know what helps better and what doesn't help. I don't handle things perfectly but just a bit better than before. I don't know if there will ever be a time when depression doesn't sink it's teeth in. I will experience it probably until the end of my life, but I can get better at fighting it and keeping it at bay. 

I will continue to move past the worst, and towards the best. With every mistake, with every broken heart, with every high point and every low point. With every good emotion and every bad thought, I will walk forward. I will be better.

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Putting Your Broken Heart Backtogether

Heartbreak is probably one of the worst things emotionally a person can experiance and go through. For some people, we give a part of us to another. We meet them and everything seems normal but then you start talking, you get to know them. You tell them things, you open up. You share parts of yourself. You trust one another and feel absolutely in love. Then their heart decides it doesn't want to be with you anymore. At first, the words shatter your heart, and your mind. It hurts. It seems unreal at times.

You can get through it. It's not the end of the world. You will reach a point where it doesn't hurt anymore. Life goes on, there's other people. I know at the time, those things seem trivial. Nobody could ever compare to them, and you refuse to think about it. You just have to get through the first bit. It takes a while to set in sometimes, but you need to let it sink in. From there you can only go upwards.

You have to allow yourself to have your feelings. It's okay to feel hurt, it's okay to feel stupid, blind, and foolish. Those feels you have are very real and they do hurt. You have to admit they're there.

My pain is there. You're not alone. I feel so foolish for opening my heart, for giving a part of myself to someone who just gave it back. It stings, but it happened. I'm not dead, it's just proof that I'm alive and I do feel happiness.

My heart is going to heal, and it's going to find someone eventually. I haven't given up hope. I just need to focus on myself and just continue being the best me I can be, and that goes for anyone who is feeling heartache right now.

You are still loved by many, you are not any less of a person, it doesn't mean that you're going to be alone for ever. It just means you're human. This hurt will pass and you will move on.

I love you all, from perfections to flaws, you're all beautiful. Keep going, you got this.

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To All The Teens Struggling Right Now...

You are special!

You are valued!

You are wanted!

You are not alone!

You are loved!

You are strong!

You are beautiful!

You will get through this!

You are incredible!

You are amazing!

You are unbreakable!

Whatever you are going through right now, it is not the end! There’s an entire world and new life waiting for you on the otherside of highschool. No matter your mistakes, your family, your struggle, and your flaws. Coming from someone who has stood in your shoes before, it does get better! There are so many resources out there for you if you need some guidance. 

You’re going to beat this depression, this frustration, this self-hate, this enviorment that makes you feel like you’re not good enough…

And when you do get on the otherside of you’re going to look back and wonder why you were ever worried in the first place!

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Just a few years ago I was jobless, depressed, and had little to no self worth, and now it's been a month since I've moved into my apartment with my coworker/friend.

I used to struggle to think of thing I could ever have that was seen as an adult thing to have. I had no idea what I was going to do after high school, I had so little self-worth and self-image that I couldn't imagine being invested in life enough to have a job. It was as if I didn't think I deserved it or could do it. It made me sick to my stomach and often made me think of suicide. I hated that I couldn't just get up and do it. It wasn't until my grandmother passed away and I spent a week with my parents traveling to Colorado to spread some of her ashes. That trip was just what I needed to forget everything I had told myself and just pretend I was another person.

I applied for a job at a local factory and when I was actually hired I couldn't believe it, I was so happy and thrilled. The battle had not been one yet though. Having a job gave me some self-worth but it didn't just magically fix everything. I still got sad, hated myself, and frequently wanted to give up. But I didn't. You see, getting a job set in motion so many other things, because I was working 40 hours a week I wasn't given that extra time to overthink and sit in my bed, instead I spent my time and energy running presses at work. Then, when I would get home I would either sleep or spend time doing things I liked, like playing guitar.

From there I was able to actually message people to hangout and when that started, I really started to live more. I had so many fun experiances and good times just drinking, getting high, and hanging out. Eventually I moved in with one of my buddies at his place, he has a fairly big place and I was already over there so much that his parents just figured I could live there.

Eventually, as is allowed, I began to get sad and depressed again. Relationship and girl problems made me begin to give up. I quit my job and moved back with my parents, where I began to revist the old issues I had. After a few months I applied at a job I had been reccomended many times. There I work with people I've actually known for many years, I get paid a decent wage plus travel time. The hours a bit insane but I get really good overtime and I actually love what I do.

It's okay to get sad sometimes, it's human. It's good to let yourself feel, it reminds you of how important that good things in your life are. Without them, there'd be more sadness. The thing about it is though that you can't let yourself dwell in it too long. You have to be able to pull yourself out of it and keep moving forwards. We're humans, we make mistakes, we mess up, other people do things that affect us. It is and always will be a part of life, and that's okay. It's not always pernament, hearts do heal.

In just these couple years I have accomplished far beyond what I thought was possible. If the younger me could see exactly where I'd be now then I know I would have stopped worrying so damn much and just started to do better earlier, but I can't go back and let myself know, I can' only focus on the now and keep on like I have been and accomplish even more and help others realise that the same potential that I manged to pull from seemingly nowhere, can be done with them too. It just takes time and work, everybody is different at how they get there, not if they can get there.

I attempted suicide four years and three months ago. When I look back at all that time I've had since then I know that it was not wasted, that each moments I spent with working, with my friends, or with my family, it was all worth it. Every good and bad second. There are many things I would do differently if I had to do them again but I have no regrets, and even if I did I wouldn't spend any time sulking in it.

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Homeless and Overcoming the Worst

Almost two years ago I ran into a guy I've known since high school. We were both at a friends house and after a while he started explaining how he's had to live. I won't mention his name but he said that for a past few years off an on he's actually had to sleep in a homemade wooden shack he made out in the woods somewhere around our town. He couldn't live with his family anymore and was barely out of highschool. After bouncing around from place to place there eventually became a time where he had no where to go. I'm not sure where he got the supplies but he ended up getting some plywood and making a make-shift shack. With a tarp on top. This is how he spent years living.

He told of us how he could hear the coyotes at night and how scary it was out there at times. At the time he told us, it was told in a light hearted manner, he was laughing about the whole situation and so did everyone else. Sometime not so long ago he made his way down to the cities and got emergency housing help from the state. It was nearly impossible for him to finally recieve help. The processes take time and a bunch of work, which was something that was hard. Depression and other issues made it hard to focus and find the help.

A couple months ago one of my coworks told me that they saw him on the news which shocked me. It turns out that he was advocating for homeless people at the courthouse, trying to get more awareness on the seemingly forgotten issue. He spoke to the city about how he was freezing one winter night where it was -20 below and that he was shivering so hard he couldn't sleep.

It was insane for me to see this man on the news for anything, let alone something as important and lifechanging as that. He is one example of now matter how low you fall, how trivial trying seems, that change is always around the corner if you don't give up. He prevailed through one of the worst sitautions a person can endure and is now working two jobs and advocating to help others.

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