Loss

(Che and Buddha together <3)

These past few weeks have been hard. Not just for me but for my friend, and even far more so. He lost his father because of cancer. I still have both my parents and all of my siblings so I've never experianced loss like that before. No matter how hard I try I couldn't begin to fathom that amount of pain and hurt. It must be Earth shattering. One day it will happen to me, and that day might be soon, we don't know. It seems impossible to be ready for it when it does happen. It's one of the saddest moments that we will expierance in our lives and it is unavoidable unless your own death is preceeded. Then it will cause even more hurt in the world because younger lives are more thought of as not ready. 


I don't think I will be anywhere sane when it hits me. Not for a while. I already have trouble with things but it's going to bring me to me knees as a person more than I've ever felt before.  That's why I have to give it my all in this world while I have it. For me it's more about showing how proud of me they should be. I've felt disconnected from that my life in one way or another. I've always felt like a fuck-up and a nobody but that's nobodies fault but my own. 

I am responsible for my own state of mind. It is maintainable and liveable. I don't have to give in or secede when things start to get rough. It is not a crutch.