Three years ago I was trapped in an endless phase of self-hate and mental collapse. I hated every aspect of life and being alive, I withdrew myself in my room for 95% of my days and did nothing but listen to music and contemplate suicide. It's still a surprise I made it out alive. It was such a dark period of my life.
Whenever I glance back at that period of my life, it makes my both pity my past self and it makes me thankful. I was only 17 and trapped within my own house. I lost all ability to try for anything. School became pointless and just another place to feel unwanted. I had pushed away so many of my friends for complicated and baseless reasons. I truly felt alone, and all of it was undeserved. I did nothing but want to be happy, to have friends, to feel wanted and make my family proud, but my mental health just wouldn't allow it. I didn't know even where to begin in helping myself. I felt afraid until I ended up becoming numb to it, it stopped hurting and became just numb.
Remembering this about my past makes me feel so thankful. I faced hell for months upon months and came out on the other side. I wasn't string the entire time, there was a time when I was all ready to die but couldn't go through with it. Either by a voice in my head begging to survive, or through sheer gutlessness, either way, because of it I survived, and for that I am thankful.
There were definitely points where I was as low as I was, but for a much shorter time. I've learned from my past pain and I know what helps better and what doesn't help. I don't handle things perfectly but just a bit better than before. I don't know if there will ever be a time when depression doesn't sink it's teeth in. I will experience it probably until the end of my life, but I can get better at fighting it and keeping it at bay.
I will continue to move past the worst, and towards the best. With every mistake, with every broken heart, with every high point and every low point. With every good emotion and every bad thought, I will walk forward. I will be better.